It had to come to me somehow. I had to know. What were these feelings I was having towards girls, and what was sex, anyway? I wasn't close to my older male cousins now, and I didn't have an older brother, heck, I WAS the older brother and I didn't know anything. It's just that, well, I have these dreams, and I have these feelings, and I can't stop looking at all the girls' legs during class at Gateway. Girls wear very short skirts, so there's a lot of skin showing, you know?
I have dreams. Lots of dreams with the girls from my class in them. I wake up and my penis is hard and stiff. Sometimes I wake up and my penis is throbbing and my underwear is full of this white, sticky goo. Sometimes this happens more than once a night. What am I, a pervert? I can't stop dreaming about girls. I dream about kissing them and touching them, but it's all quite murky because I really don't know what to do or how to do it. I can't tell my mother or father about these dreams or what happens to me in the middle of the night. I try not to make too much noise coming down the steps at night to clean myself up in the bathroom. I hope my mother doesn't notice how many pairs of underwear I'm going through all of a sudden.
What's going on with me, anyway?
I need to learn about sex and I need to learn right now. But how?
One day I find out. Well, I find out a little. I'm left alone at home while my parents go out with my brother and sister. I'm playing with our dog Max, chasing him around the house and I end up in my parents' bedroom. Max is under the bed and I lean down to get him. There under the bed is a small stack of magazines, magazines I've never seen before. One is called "Gent", and the other is called "Nugget". These magazines have pictures of naked women in them. The women aren't particularly attractive, not like Ursula Andress or Kim Novak, but, they are NAKED! There aren't a lot of photos, but I can see what a woman's body looks like without clothing on.
As I'm looking at the photos, I realize my penis is throbbing and getting stiff like when I wake up from those dreams. There's this clear fluid coming from my penis as well, and my heart is racing and I feel all animal-like or something. It's uncomfortable, it's scary, yet it's exciting too. Pictures of naked women in magazines! I still don't understand anything, but I know I need to see more. What my parents are doing with these magazines is beyond me, but I'm glad I found them. I resolve to check under the bed every time I'm left alone from now on. I place the magazines back as good as I found them.
I feel different now. I know something. I know what naked women look like. Not just bare breasts like in National Geographic. I know what a totally nude woman looks like now. I stare at the girls in school in a different way now too. I know what's under their clothes, and it makes my imagination go crazy. I have to be careful though. I can't stare too much or my penis gets stiff like when I have those dreams or look at the magazines, and I can't embarrass myself here in school.
I'm having more and more of those dreams. I touch and kiss girls I know in school, and the ladies I see in the movies too. Seems like I never know what's going to happen in my dreams. Girls I don't even like that much show up and I'm kissing and touching them too, and I find myself going up and down the stairs every night, cleaning myself up, my underpants filled with white, sticky goo.
I try not to think about girls when I go to bed. I don't want to have to get up in the middle of the night and have to wash myself off. What is my mother going to say about all the dirty underwear? How can I go to school and keep my mind on my classes, knowing what I know, dreaming what I dream?
I'm a bit scared by all this, and yet I need to see more. I need to know more, but I'd really like to go to bed at night not having to worry about soiling my underpants or getting the sheets wet, or trying to creep down the stairs to the bathroom as quiet as a mouse.
Are the other guys my age going through this, or am I just a pervert with a brain that just won't leave me alone?
Becoming a teenager is crazy, you know?